Making Friends in Korea

So, friends in Korea. This is quite a loaded topic because it’s among the top reasons why a foreigner who is working in Korea might leave home. It’s also something that more recently I’ve had to combat myself. 

If you’re a student and come to Korea to study, or as a teacher like me, chances are that you’re part of a package and there’s plenty of people to choose from who are very much like, “yeah go Korea” and keen to make new friends.  Not to mention that once arrive at your school or university, you’ll also have either you’re Korean colleagues or class mates to make friends with. If you work as a Hagwon (after school school/academy) , they’re also a good chance that there will be other foreigners there who can show you the ropes. 

Since I’m a public school teacher, I’m the only foreigner at my school, in fact I’m certain I’m the only foreigner for a fare few miles, but that’s ok. I get along well with all my colleagues, and even though I’m able to talk to them, they all have families to take care of, and are older than me. As I talked about in my last blog, it’s very difficult to maintain friendships with older people with the Korean social hierarchy system, unless you’re lucky enough to be talking to someone who is quite western in their thinking. 

When it comes to actually making friends in Korea, I’ve actually been very lucky that most Koreans are so friendly. The majority of my Korean friends have been made during my travels while either in a night club or at a bar or some kind of event, and they’ve just approached me, and struck up a conversation. Being exotic and all, people are generally interested in me. Unfortunately, that means that my friend base is…everywhere but where I live. 

Since where I live is the middle of nowhere, and most people here speak as much English as I speak Korean, It’s a different ball game trying to make friends here. I’ve had to actively hunt for friends…like a nursery child. “Will you be my friend?” yeah, that’s pretty much it. And as you know, unless they’re the same age (and a boy, Ill come back to this later…) the answer is going to be no.  Unfortunately, I haven’t been successful in making friends yet where I live. I’ve met a few people who were interested in a language exchange, but none of them have worked out. For now my only alternative for friends is the foreigners in town…I’m not that desperate…

Anyway, lets talk a bit about the Korean friends I do have. Oh how Korean friendship is different from western friendships. 

There’s a thing here called skin-ship, which kind of caught me off guard at first, but I’m used to it now. It’s roots go way back into Korean Confucian history, but put simply, same gender friendship is a lot more intense than western friendship. Skin-ship refers to people being touchy feely people are with each other, and there’s a lot of that in same gender friendships. With people of all ages, literally, weather they be two old men struggling with canes two elementary school kids or people my age, there is a lot of physical intimacy. It’s common to see two boy/men holding hands, sitting in each others laps, giving each other back massages or even feeding each other. Actually, even when they’re not all that close, it’s common. In my school, if another male teacher has to talk to me about something, he’ll hold my hand while we’re talking. It doesn’t have the same relationship connotations that it has in the west. 

Now let me elaborate, I must make a point that all my friend in Korea are boys. Why? This is because of what happened when a boy and girl get into a relationship. Once a guy starts dating a girl, he is expected to relieve himself of all involvement with any of his female friends. As is the girl expected to remove herself form all her male friends, if she has any. Once they get into a relationship, the amount of time the spend with their friends is massively reduced, and they almost live together from the get go. This means that whenever a guy or girl does have time to see their friends, the time the have together is like gold dust. It also means that a guy can’t ever really have a strong friendship with a girl, because the moment he gets a girl friend, they’re friendship is gone. Which is why no one here can understand why my best friend is a girl and how she has a boyfriend that isn’t me. 

Outside of a relationship, opposite genders mix plenty, especially at university, but this doesn’t mean that guys and girls are completely segregated for the rest of their life once they‘re in a relationship. In the in a work place or school, an opposite gender professional friendship is completely acceptable. Though it would be very inappropriate to meet someone outside of work of the opposite gender. If that were to happen it’s pretty certain that they’re having an affair her. The chances of a committed man meeting a female co-worker outside of work and there’s not something going on is slim to none in Korea. Now let me glaze over why none of my friends are girls…

1. It’s a nightmare to try get a conversation out of a girl because they’re too busy trying to be cute, or they just awkwardly avoid eye contact with me. (not sure why)

2. If I wanted to meet a girl just me and her, then that’s classed as a date here. If I’m dating a girl, then I can’t be friends with Sai. 

3. If you think I can try and be diplomatic about it, then you severely underestimate how crazy Korean girls can get over this subject. (besides, Sai went through a lot of crap with her current and previous boyfriends over me, I would never abandon her like that.) 

So, if you couple this relationship factor along with all the hierarchy stuff I talked about in my last blog, well…this is why it’s difficult to maintain any form of friendship in Korea, and why people are so happy when they meet someone of the same age and gender. It means they don’t have to watch their language, they can relax, and they don’t have to abandon me after they get a girlfriend. Though…they will still disappear for lengthy periods at a time. 

Also, unlike in the west when it takes a certain amount of time and interaction with someone before you really consider them a friend, in Korea, it’s not like that. Because someone who fits all your criteria is hard to come by, not to mention someone that you actually get along with, they jump head long into their friendship. Most of the people who I’ve become friends with I’ve been to their house and met their parents and slept at their house after only meeting them once before. In England that’s kinda crazy, and dangerous.  I would never invite someone into my house who I’d only met once before. But then again, Korea is a lot safer than England. 

Ok I think I’m done, again this is such a long blog, with few pictures. No idea what my next blog is going to be yet but I’m sure you’ll find out in a week’s time ^^.